Dear God, Help me Let Go

Change is easy until you realize how hard it is to let go of everything you know to be normal. It’s easy to set a goal and write out the perfect to-do list of steps to get you there. It’s easy to make plans and imagine your future just the way you want it to be. But it’s so hard to let go of the things that are familiar and comfortable. I find so much security in routine. I live by my planner and my lists. But I can never identify the point when my lists and routines are no longer healthy for me. Whether it is unhealthy thoughts, obsession over school and grades, jealousy, or comparison, I have to give my habits and fears up daily to God and learn to trust in Him, as I accept the love He has freely given me.

I have learned that the things I hold on to have already served their purpose in my life. They cannot go where God is taking me next. When you move houses, you let go of things of the past that no longer serve a purpose in your life. I can think of moving out of my freshman dorm room and getting rid of sorority posters, costumes, and twin-sized bedding that I knew would not serve a purpose any longer. We can pick out the parts of our lives that no longer serve us, and give those up to God. Sometimes this is a difficult process, as we know that habits or thoughts are unhealthy, but we are not quite ready to give them up. Rest assured. When you move on and let go of these things, God always finds better replacements. Better things are yet to come.

I like to think of God having a to-do list. I transfer items from mine onto His, knowing that He will take care of them better than I will ever be able to. As I let go of things, I turn my worries over to God and allow Him to add to his list. Romans 12:2 urges us to, “Be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” God promises to take our burdens (and put them on his to-do list), while we are transformed and renewed in His goodness and love. When you let go, God will not let you fall. He will catch you and carry you to a better place than you were before. In letting go of things that heavy your burden, you become lighter and are able to fully envelop yourself in God’s glory.

Dear God,

It’s so difficult sometimes to learn to let go. I need Your strength and power to release my stubborn grasp on the things that I cling to, like unhealthy thoughts and habits that do not produce fruitful results. As I release these things to You, help me learn to let go with courage and peace. Help me to wait in the hope that You will fulfill Your promises to me, and replace my old ways with better ones than I could ever dream of. Clear my mind of any thoughts that hurt my heart. Change my mind to focus on things that are of You. Allow me to sit quietly and rest, knowing that you are taking my burdens and adding them to Your list. Help me to surrender to what was, and have faith in what will be.

Amen.

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How my faith helped me recover

I was running and running and I couldn’t stop. Every time I stepped on the treadmill it seemed eerily similar to my life: Running as fast as I could, and yet staying in the same place. Running towards nothing.

The second semester of my junior year I lost myself. That’s when I began the running. I ran toward perfection. I ran toward control. I ran toward my eating disorder. I was living in my own prison, running from wall to wall, and I couldn’t escape. I prayed endlessly, but with empty intentions. I prayed for weight gain when I knew deep down I would not follow through. I prayed for normal eating when I knew I wanted to maintain control. How dangerous it was to risk my life for perfection. How dangerous it was to run away from God.

My world was predictable, and therefore, safe. I wanted to keep everything perfect so that I could be perfect. But I was looking for stability in a broken world tied to circumstances. I tried so desperately to let the fleeting satisfactions of the world fill a void in my heart that only God could. I was searching for control, approval, and reassurance in a world that couldn’t provide it, and running away from a God that could.

On June 29, 2015 God intervened and finally answered the countless prayers that I had prayed for months. Despite my sadness, tiredness, and lack of interest in anything, I decided to go to the chapel. That day I wrote these words in my journal as I sat in the quiet room alone with God and gave everything up to Him. From that day forward my life has been forever changed.

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If only I had known how much those words would really mean. On that day, the Holy Spirit struck me and I had a glimpse of reality amidst the disordered, chaotic thoughts. I saw myself for what I was – weak, broken, lost. Running towards nothing. I realized that I no longer had to do this. I did not have to adhere to my food regimens and weight control attempts. I thought that would be my life. I would eat perfectly and maintain meticulous control over my days. But God had other plans for me. He took me out of deep waters and brought me to shore. He showed me that I could no longer fight this battle alone. I was so afraid to abandon the eating regimens that had provided me stability when all other areas of my life were out of control and chaotic; but I realized that God is stable despite the world’s instability. I needed Him, and He needed me to allow Him to take this burden.

The verse that gave me the most comfort during my season of recovery was psalm 23. I read this passage daily and found so much beauty, strength, and hope in God’s words:

Even though I walk
through the darkest valley
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.

As I walked through my darkest valley, God was with me. He had led me to the chapel the day that I began recovering. He whispered words of affirmation and hope as I fought each day to regain my health. When thoughts of fear entered my mind, God made me rest and find peace in Him. When my eating disorder thoughts whispered in my ear, God yelled words of affirmation.

I realized that I could not control my life no matter how hard I tried. I was simply not that powerful. But my God is. I was finally willing to accept the love and strength that He had been inviting me to receive for months. I was finally willing to abandon the unstable things of this world and let Him take over control. I was finally willing to let go of my own plans for my life and trust that His are infinitely better. I was finally willing to stop running and start walking at His pace.

In order to recover, I had to first forgive myself. I had to forgive myself for damaging my body, hurting my family and friends, and potentially harming my health for the rest of my life. But I remembered that God had already forgiven me. He forgave me before I even asked for forgiveness. He forgave my selfishness, my abandonment, my running from Him, and my attempts to be more powerful than Him. While I ran every aspect of my life without God, He had been right there waiting for me to run into His arms again. His grace allowed me to find my own. And that grace allowed me to recover.

For so long I had been so hungry. I felt physical hunger. But more so, I felt spiritual hunger. I felt a yearning deep down to my core for peace, acceptance, forgiveness, and love. I realized that for so long I had looked to the things of the world to fill me up, but they only left me hungry. No 100 on a test, no tiny clothing size, no perfect student dietitian review, no number on the scale, no friendship, no calorie goal – nothing could fill me up in the way that I longed for. So I turned to the God who could. Once I learned to accept God’s unconditional peace, acceptance, forgiveness, and love I finally felt the fullness I had been craving. Once I stopped flirting with the temporary pleasures of the world and started abiding in the goodness of my God, I began to work for something more than a perfect diet. The things that once provided temporary fullness and then left me hungry no longer had a place in my life. I was living for eternal purposes – following God’s plan for me, healing my body, glorifying Him through my story, and using my newfound understanding to counsel others struggling with eating disorders.

When I found myself again, I found joy. Through God’s love and grace, I broke through the chains of my own prison and am now living in complete freedom. This isn’t to say that each day is perfect; but now I choose daily to take up my cross and follow Jesus. This is the life God intended for me to live. God used my weaknesses to show me how much I needed Him. I was not made to live ashamed. I was not made to live afraid. I was not made to live alone. He used my battles to strengthen me in preparation to use my gifts, talents, and life for their intended purposes. The toughest trial of my life was simply a gateway to help me fulfill dreams I never even knew I had, and to experience a life that I never knew I was capable of living.

Through this entire experience, I have learned so many lessons that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. God does not put us through trials without reason; He has a greater purpose that we discover as we lean on Him to carry us through our season of suffering. I learned that I should never underestimate my God – He can take on so much more than what I ask or allow Him to. He taught me that if I fully, heavily, strongly, and confidently rely on Him, he could help me overcome the irrational rules I made for myself that fed my eating disorder. He has taught me that I am strong and worthy of health. He showed me that I could do hard things. And most importantly, He taught me to stop running alone and to start walking with Him.

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How to determine what “healthy” means for you

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Healthy/ ˈhel-thē/ adjective: having good health; not sick or injured. This is the definition of healthy according to Merriam-Webster dictionary. But healthy is not this straightforward. It is an elusive term that few understand, yet many obsess over. I believe that healthy refers to overall physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and social well-being. Healthy is a feeling, not a set of rules. There is no right or wrong way to be healthy. What you eat, how often you exercise, and how you look does not make you a good or bad person. Healthy has nothing to do with how many pounds you can bench or how your body looks in a bikini.

I decided to ask two of my fellow Registered Dietitian friends to give their input on their personal definitions of healthy. According to Alexis Willman, “Healthy means giving your body all of the nutrients it needs, without sacrificing your happiness.” Allison Woods states, “Being healthy does not have one simple definition. Being healthy to me means feeling strong and confident in who you are. It’s eating a balanced diet while also enjoying a donut or bowl of ice cream every once in a while. It’s having positive thoughts about yourself, even if it’s not where you want to be in that moment; but it’s also knowing that one day you’ll get there.”

While everyone’s personal definition of healthy varies, here is my take on determining what healthy means for you:

Healthy is individual. No two people are built the exact same. For some people, physical health may be a top priority. For others, mental or emotional health may take precedent. Going to the gym 6 days a week may be considered healthy for someone who finds exercise to be therapeutic or rewarding. For someone who dreads working out, a 30 minute walk 3 days a week may be healthy. Healthy is not universal, it is individual. Therefore, healthy is not up for comparison. What is healthy to your best friend may not be healthy for you. What the media advertises as healthy may not be accurate in your life. It’s up to you to determine your own sense of healthy based on your own wants and needs.

Healthy is variable. On some days it means eating all of your servings of vegetables and going for a jog to boost your energy. On other days it means eating warm cookies and binge watching your favorite show on Netflix. Your version of healthy can and should change from day to day based on your feelings, energy level, state of mind, and stress level. It may even change based on the weather. On a sunny, 75 degree day, healthy may be taking advantage of the weather and going for a walk at the park. On a rainy afternoon, healthy may mean lighting candles and taking a nap.

Healthy is intuitive. Healthy habits should come naturally. If you feel restless, then exercise. If your body is tired and worn down, then rest. If you are craving a bowl of fruit for breakfast, then eat the fruit. If you can’t stop thinking about that donut at your favorite bakery, then eat the donut. Listen to your body. Build trust with your body to regulate your food intake, exercise levels, and sleep. It knows what it needs. It’s up to you to override your mind’s messages, and truly become in-tune with your body’s signals.

Healthy is flexible. We so often fall into the trap of all-or-nothing thinking when it comes to healthy. Your healthy lifestyle should be flexible according to circumstances. You should be able to put your meal plan aside to spontaneously go out to eat with your friends. You should be able to skip your planned workout for the day if you get invited to a party at the last minute. Your definition of healthy should work around your day, not control your day.

Healthy is comfortable. Your healthy lifestyle should not feel forced. Health is not a chore. Drinking green smoothies that you hate in order to be healthy is not actually healthy. Going to an exercise class that makes you feel inadequate just because your fit friend goes is not actually healthy. Healthy should not be so all-consuming that you forget to live. Healthy should fit to your preferences and fall into place with the rest of your lifestyle. Healthy means finding a sense of peace with yourself and your decisions. Find peace in eating a salad because you were craving the refreshing texture and needed to feel energized. Find peace in eating wings because you were enjoying spending Saturday watching football. Healthy should be comfortable, peaceful, and rewarding.

Healthy is balanced. Healthy takes all factors into account. Some days you may want to be physically healthy, but your mental health is more important. You should be able to give thought to healthy food, yet not be so restrictive that you miss out on foods that you really enjoy.

Healthy is dynamic. Your definition of healthy is always changing. When you’re in school, healthy may mean walking to class instead of taking the bus and indulging in late night pizza because you’re enjoying living in the moment with your friends. When you’re working, healthy may mean keeping a piece of fruit at your desk and indulging in cake when it’s your co-worker’s birthday. When you’re a parent, healthy may mean going outside and playing with your kids and eating popcorn while watching Disney movies. Healthy changes with each phase of your life. When you were 20, healthy may have meant running 5 days a week. When you’re 50, that habit would no longer be considered healthy, as it puts your joints, bones, and muscles at risk for injury. As you age and change, allow your definition of healthy to transform with you.

Now it’s your turn to determine what healthy means for you. Ask yourself: is my definition of healthy individual, variable, intuitive, flexible, comfortable, balanced, and dynamic? It may take some experimenting until you reach that ideal point, but you will get there. Focus on your body. What feels right for it? What feels wrong for it? Healthy is not about having control. Healthy is about giving up control and letting your body tell you what it needs. It’s smarter than you think.

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